Mother's Day approaching

With Mother's Day approaching, I find myself in a strange predicament. I can't share half of what I feel with everyone due to the emotional weight of it all. I mean, who wants to really hear someone say they're NOT looking forward to Mother's Day and that all they want to do is skip the day. I am plagued with the battle, begging the Lord's victory, yet wishing I could avoid it all together. My mom's not dead, so... Most people would chalk my honest feelings up to hormones or emotional unstability.

I miss her like crazy! I need her more than I want to admit. No human can fill that hole in my heart. I can't go see her. I can't call her up. I CAN'T EVEN REJOICE IN HER BEING IN HEAVEN BECAUSE SHE'S NOT THERE EITHER! I have sacrificed it all to the Lord a thousand times, but if I were to be honest... I want her back. I cry and mourn over our loss, yet there's no gravestone to visit.... no closure. I don't know if she understands me when I speak to her, and I don't know what goes on in her thoughts or heart. I hurt badly when I think of the reality of dementia and the questions the diagnosis brings to light instead of answers. You could tell me that a million people are in my same shoes, but it doesn't lessen the pain. I can't bear to try to be strong for my father. I can't swallow and say I'm ok. But I can't unload... who would want to carry that load. And yet I know the Lord is my sustainer and the lifter of my head.

I'd love to say that on Mother's Day I will go to a nursing home and visit with dementia patients, that I will reach out and minister to someone because of what I'm going through myself. Yet I find that all I want is an empty church with an open altar to pour out my honesty and brokenness to the only one that really wants it. I have more questions and I'm sure I've crossed the line with God many times during this season... So thankful for His mercy and grace! So thankful for His sacrifice and the realness of being in His presence.

So, I will rejoice in that, though I will be mourning this Sunday. I will likely put on a mask in compassion for those who cannot bear the burden. I will pray that I do not get in the way of hearing from the Lord... that I can bless those around me this Mother's Day. I pray the Lord will use me despite myself. For only He can bring good from this! Praise to the Lord, for He IS good!